Bees are Pretty Scary, Guys & Guyettes - by Austin

Okay, so Austin is a pretty cool dude.  You might know him as Xyzzy or [zz].  He wrote a guest post.  That's about all there is to this introduction, so here's the post!

(Dear God don't let him get me with his flying death minions).

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Bees are Pretty Scary, Guys & Guyettes

Today on Facebook I sent Ryan a message telling him that I'd sic bees on him if he didn't let me write something for his blog. He said "yeah I'm totally afraid of your bees" or something to that effect.

I bet he sounded even more like a scared little girl, actually. I'd go read it since I still have my web browser opened up and the chat window with him is still the active one and I haven't reset the chat history or something like that. Ryan pretty much always sounds like a scared little girl when you threaten to sic bees on him. Bees are vicious little bastards, after all. Not that I'm afraid of them, of course. I fear nothing.

I figured Ryan would be afraid of my threat of flying insect death because that's one of the things Hannelore is afraid of on my Questionable Content shirt, a shirt which also lists E.coli and the inevitable heat death of the universe. I'm too lazy to find any E.coli and inevitable heat death of the universe seems like it's probably a little hard to come by, so really bees seem like the best option. Also, I can't remember what the other things on the shirt are. I guess I could go to Topatoco and look at an image of the shirt, but I'm not really in the mood to do work today, because I'm on fall break right now and plus I need to finish and turn in a bunch of calculus in the next couple of hours and that's a little bit dumb.

(For the record, I've read a grand total of one half of one of the other things on this site. I was reading the one that Katy wrote about why I can't get a girlfriend, except that what she doesn't know is that I enjoy not having a girlfriend. It's not like it's a problem or anything. I could quit any time I wanted to. I just don't feel like it! Stop hating on my lifestyle, Katy. So anyway, I'm not really sure what the theme of this blog is yet, or if it even has one, which makes the process of writing a guest blog a very interesting one indeed. So instead of trying to read some of the blog and get a feel for what it's like I'm just going to talk about bees some more.)

So anyway, bees. They're pretty frightening, which is why they were what I threatened Ryan with.

(It might be worth noting at this point that I don't really know much about bees, other than the fact that they are mobilized air strike units of death. So sort of like myself, if I could fly. Which I can in many of my dreams.)

Bees. Right. They're basically these things that fly around stinging people until they bleed to death or go away. They do this because they're angry at the whole world for stealing their delicious honey (hereforth (is that a word?) "their delicious honey" will simply be referred to as "honey") right out of their... nests? Bee nests? I don't know. That's semantics. Do any of you really care? No? You don't? Okay then, I think we can move on. So anyway, some of them write emo poetry like real men do when their honey has been stolen by other species, such as the following:

My Honey Is Stolen

My heart WEEPS OUT IN PAIN.
At the LOSS of my HONEY.
I wish I had sold IT.
Then AT LEAST I WOULD have money.
But then I WOULD BE A SELL-out.
MY HEART IS FILLED WITH DARKNESS. IT IS NOT SUNNY.

The advent of emo poetry as a way of expressing one's emotions traces back to at least 1996, back when the internet was slowly gaining popularity. All over the internet people were slowly realizing that no one was paying attention to anything they said so they could safely do all the embarrassing things they'd held back from doing all their life beforehand. This point is commonly regarded as the beginning of anti-social networking, a trend which has continued to this day through tools such as Facebook and Twitter, where you can pretend that your vapid existence matters to anyone in the world at all. This is probably the most popular use of the internet, actually.

So anyway, bees don't write much emo poetry. It's a little difficult, of course, since they don't have hands or bee-sized pencils, which is why they mostly just go around stabbing people with their stabby things. Such as Ryan, if he doesn't publish this. I suspect that he will though, because this is truly the greatest of guest blogs ever written.

So, in summary (or for those of you who skipped to the end to see if I'd reveal some sort of interesting secret), I'm writing a guest blog for Ryan's site, and I'm going to write it about a topic to be decided. I still haven't decided what that topic is, though, so I guess I need to come up with something now that's funny and interesting to read. So, in summary of my summary, this guest post is about Memphis. Because the person a few feet over from me just said something about Memphis. I don't actually know anything about Memphis so I guess I'll just stop typing now. Bye.