How to be a Knight

So I'm pretty sure your life sucks pretty hard. In fact, I'm certain you were about to kill yourself. Which raises a pretty good question: Was reading this really going to be your final act? You might as well kill yourself if that's what your priorities are. Wait, no. Read this first.

You should clearly take up the noble career of KNIGHTSMANSHIP because, seriously, no one cares about your mastery of ANGSTMANSHIP. It's a relatively simple task if you follow these easy steps.



STEP 1: Arm yourself.

A knight without shining armour is like a man who can't jamskate. It's just not right. I highly recommend visiting your local blacksmith and commissioning the finest equipment in all the land. Or, if for some reason your town doesn't have a blacksmith, or you just don't have tens of thousands of dollars lying around, you can craft your own. You don't really need anything too fancy. I mean, the king will no doubt have a suit of unparalleled quality made in your honour by the time we're done here. When you're done, you should look something like this:

A more valiant knight I have never seen.

STEP 2: Find a noble steed.

This is important for many reasons. First, knight stuff is heavy, and let's be honest, you don't have the notoriety for a squire just yet. Second, it makes you bigger than everyone, and that's just awesome. Third, shit never goes down around the corner. It's pretty much guaranteed to be in a "far away land" and walking is for chumps.

Unfortunately, you can't just have a horse anymore (fuck you, PETA!). You're going to need to find an alternative mode of transportation. Choices include: Skateboard (bareback), taxi (greenback), or your friend (piggyback). Any of these is an acceptable modern day selection with excellent opportunity for upgrades (Lookin' at you, Ryan!).

STEP 3: Find a beast.

A [ferocious] beast is all that separates knights from LARPers. Or, rather, the slaying of said beast. However, slaying a dragon isn't as easy as it used to be (Seriously PETA, FUCK OFF) so you're going to have to get creative here. Just about anything would work, really. It just has to be angry and ancient.

That's not what I meant and you know it!

Step 4: Save a damsel in distress.

Okay, I lied, this is probably what's going to separate you from a LARPer. I'm pretty sure nerds in padded armour have probably taken a "quest" too far before, but I'm doubtful of their lady getting ability. Anyway, this is probably the easiest task of them all, because, as we all know, damsels are, by nature, in distress. In theory, you could just hang around dark alleyways downtown until you find an actual damsel in distress, but that's dangerous. Concocting an elaborate scenario involving spoons, ducks, and your local library is much more effecient, not to mention just plain old fashioned awesome.


Bonus points if you can incorporate steps 3 and 4 into one SUPER STEP. Don't even get me started on if you can somehow save the damsel by taming the beast to become your steed!


Now, go forth brave knight! Glory awaits thee!