Things You Can Do with Ducks, Revisited

It has been brought to my attention that I have forgotten several things you can do with ducks in my prior treatment. Read on for several more fun activities you can do with our seaplane buddies!  Whom you should despise without reservation.  But still, read on!
Fifth thing you can do with ducks:  Use them as distractions.

True story time, folks.  The only thing I have altered about the following is the names of the people in question, for aesthetic reasons, because their names are ugly.*

A man I know, David, once coveted the fried potato sticks of another man, Guillermo. Guillermo, a selfish jerk by any measure, would not share his delicious papas fritas.  David was deserving of them, however, and he knew this very well.  So, he concocted a scheme.  He schemed a concoction?  That doesn't work.  Whatever.

Step 1:  Look out the window.
Step 2:  Point out the window.
Step 3:  Exclaim, "Hey, look at that duck!"
Step 4:  Claim the salty, golden deliciousness while the sap is staring out the window.

Now, surely, dear reader, you know that nobody could fall for this.  Just, nobody.  This is a middle school caliber tricksiness, akin to tapping the wrong shoulder.

Guillermo fell for it.

Sixth thing you can do with ducks:  Not get hit by things.



Okay, so this guy really sucks towards the end (clearly staged, I mean, jeez, he didn't even hit his opponents, you guys), but right in the middle, he demonstrates something that can save your life.  Did you see it?  He moved his head and torso down, out of the way of incoming weaponry.  This is a difficult skill to master, but, much like first aid and water polo, will serve you well.  Bananas, for some reason, are completely impervious to such evasion, though.  You really should avoid pissing off a guy with a banana if you're going to rely on ducking.

Seventh, and final** thing you can do with ducks:  Embarrass them.

One Andrew Hussie's*** most important and noteworthy work to date is a how-to guide for doing just this.  How To Embarrass a Duck remains the premiere work on this subject, and is a field manual for even the most experienced inducers of duck chagrin.****  Needless to say, I suggest you read it from cover to cover at least twice before attempting any sort of duck embarrassment on your own.

So there you have it.  Three additional things you can do with ducks, with a grand total of seven, the magic number.  Stop pestering me about more duck things, okay?!  THIS IS ENOUGH.

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* Oh man, they're probably gonna read this and be all mad that I said that, and then there'll be egg on my face.  From the ensuing egg fight.

** There is  just no way I'm making a third article about ducks in the near future.

*** Check the links on the right.  See MS Paint Adventures?  That guy.

**** Voted most desired chagrin of 1904, 1923, and 1976 by contemporary chagrin enthusiasts.