Things You Can Do with Ducks

Ducks.  What are ducks?  Wikipedia, the Alexandrian library of the internet, defines ducks as "the common name for a number of species in the Anatidae family of birds...  Ducks are mostly aquatic birds, mostly smaller than the swans and geese, and may be found in both fresh water and sea water."  Also, they handily give a picture:

Hi duckie!  Who's a cutie?  You're a cutie!

That's great and all, but it doesn't really tell you anything about what you can do with them, and, as we all know, the value of any natural feature of our world is only to be found in how we can exploit it.

I'm going to tell you how you can exploit ducks. 

First thing you can do with ducks:  Feed them.

Commonly an activity of old people, small children, and the people who take care of both, feeding ducks is said to be relaxing and a good character building experience.  This is a pack of lies.  You know what feeding ducks is for?  Two things:  Shutting your kids/grandparents up and occupying them for a bit, and making the ducks fatter (which we'll come to later in this article).

Yes, you read it here first.  Feeding ducks is nothing more than an elaborate way to waste your time.

This man has no life.

But, this is not such a big deal!  When you consider it, anyone who feeds ducks is either looking for relief from constant nagging from dependents or has nothing better to do anyway!  Or is a serial killer.  That's another possibility.

Second thing you can do with ducks:  Eat them.

I'm so hungry right now, you guys.  Starving.

This is where feeding the ducks can actually not be a waste of time.  If you occupy your shiftless bums, your children, and your elderly with feeding the ducks, you can then get less useless people to hunt those ducks, fattened and nourished, to fill our plates.  And this is a good thing.  Because I like eating, and you should, too.  If you don't like eating ducks, you are just as useless as the people feeding them.

These are the basic things you can do with ducks.  Very basic.  After this?  It gets a little technical.  I will understand if I lose you at any point in this, as it's very complicated stuff.

Third thing you can do with ducks:  Call them.

Remember how I mentioned hunting ducks?  An essential part of that is fooling the ducks into thinking you're also a duck.  Turns out, ducks are retarded, 'cause this is all it takes:

Yes, all you have to do is be able to spit lightning into the shape of an onomatopoeia.

I mean, seriously, ducks, you're dumb.  If an absurd ape creature* sticks something in his mouth and starts making sounds vaguely reminiscent of what comes out of your mouths, this absurd ape creature does not magically turn into a duck, despite your faulty perceptions.  Just think about it, okay?  I mean, honestly, ducks, think about this for a second.  Get back to me when you figure it out.

Of course, demonstrating that ducks are basically feathered moths with respect to sound instead of light is not the only kind of calling you can do with them!  For instance, telephony is not completely out of the question:

"May I speak with Mr. Gerfunkel, please?"  "QUACK!" "I think...  I think I may have the wrong number."  "QUACK QUACK!"  "Hey, fuck you, too, buddy!"  "QUACK?"  "Well yes, but I don't see what that has to do with-"  "QUACK!"  "Oh.  Ohhhh.  Ha.  You think you're clever.  'Is your refrigerator...'  You know what?  I'm gonna come over there and eat you, right now.  This is what you get, asshole."

If, unlike our TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL MAN,** you are interested in sympathizing with ducks for their inexplicable mental deficiencies, you may want to contact the proper governmental agencies and participate in the third kind of duck calling:

Cheney struggled to find governmental station after...  Well, you know.

Yes, there is a U.S. Department of Ducks.  It's...  complicated.  And don't get all up in arms about taxpayer money being wasted on naming ducks, 'cause the employees are paid in Monopoly money.  Donated Monopoly money.***  But look, we have to name them.  Because if we don't, they get pissed.  Something about depriving them of names to make it easier when we eat them, but hey, I don't care, they're stupid ducks.  And therefore, you should not care either.

If you are of right mind, and do not care about them, you should be interested in mocking them, that is, name-calling at them, the fourth kind of calling you can do with a duck.  Here are some sample insults:

Webwalker
Breadhead
Retarded Fish
Dr. Quack
Wednesday's Main Course
Duck you

You may note, and correctly, that these are exceedingly lame insults.  This is because, counter-intuitively, it is really hard to insult a duck.  It's like insulting ants or rocks.  It just...  doesn't work.  Good insults have to be insidious and clever, and ducks aren't going to get that.  Plus, nothing about ducks or tangentially related to ducks is clever, so it's an impossible task.  I guess that makes this a kind of calling you can't do properly with a duck.  So never mind.

Fourth thing you can do with ducks:  Invent a new form of transportation.

Ducks fly.  Ducks swim.  They're nature's version of the seaplane.  As dumb as they are, they can cover a lot of ground, by which I mean water and air and specifically not ground.  They waddle on the ground, because they're dumb and can't figure out proper bipedal locomotion.

But!  Using human ingenuity, their qualities can be put towards a non-dumb method of moving from point A to point B.  Observe:

It's all very technical.  Short story:  Da Vinci was a chump compared to me.

Bam, I just solved the fuel crisis and global warming.  With ducks.

You're welcome.

---

*Credit to Byron for this phrase.

** I know you're reading this.  I am going to find you and fucking devour you, you smug little shit.

*** Monopoly money from garbage cans. Refuse Monopony.  Worthless MOD.  Unlaundered gaming proceeds.  I could do this all day.