Why You Can't Get A Girlfriend

Hey guys, listen. We've all been there. Like I mean, do you guys ever get that feeling that comes along and gradually takes over your life - that precious feeling known as love? But then, you don't know what to do, right, so you act all awkward and your conversations with this girl always wind up going really poorly because she's just treating you like a normal person but you're basically treating her like she's the hottest shit on Earth? Do you load her down with compliments in a vain attempt to make her like you ("Nice dress uhm uhm" "You have really pretty eyes!" "please dont execute me your highness")? And then, at the end of it all, do you finally - after hours of struggle and exercise - manage to ask her out? And then she totally rejects you and you go home and cry for three hours straight?

EXACTLY WHY YOU STUPID FUCKS CAN'T GET GIRLFRIENDS.

Look, I think it's pretty much a well known fact that everyone on the internet is a total loser (with the obvious exception of myself) and so you shouldn't feel bad about being one! A very common way to make yourself less of a loser is by insulting everyone else like crazy to make them look worse and so, even if you are a loser, at least you're LESS of a loser than these douchebags! I mean jeeze these guys are LARPERS you can totally do better than them, right??? Right??????? RIGHTTTT???

WRONG YOU MISERABLE SACKS OF SHIT

Now I don't have any idea why (girls are fucking batshit crazy this way) but what they really like is when you are a total jerk to them and treat them like total shit. Actually, no, sorry, that is not true at all but for the purposes of this article it is true because that's how I'm treating you, you all are the EQUIVALENT of little girls, and you are totally feeling just a little turned on right now. THEREFORE little girls like it when dudes are jerks to them, QED. So the question is, just how big of a jerk do you have to be to get these chicks to like you? The answer is in the form of a question: HOW FUCKING RETARDED ARE YOU JESUS FLIPPING CHRIST.

Haven't you ever heard of balance, maggots? No, you haven't? Well then maybe I should sign you up for some pilates classes or something because clearly that is the only way we are ever going to get anything done around here.

Look guys, basically, all I am trying to say is: you are never going to get a girlfriend and you never will. Except for those of you who do have girlfriends. In which case, fuck you because you totally ruined this whole post.