I Review Secret Girlfriend

Secret Girlfriend is a show on Comedy Central.  It is bad, in many ways.

This show does not deserve your time or even to exist at all.

All of the characters are extremely flat.  They are just one-note people.  There's crazy, slutty ex, who acts crazy and slutty, there's "cool" secret girlfriend who is a secret and likes doing what stereotypical guys like, there's the two wacky best friends who do wacky things, and the protagonist...  well...  I'll get to the protagonist later.

The jokes are just...  Not clever.  I don't think I cracked a smile once in the two episodes which have, so far, aired.  It's all juvenile bullshit.  "Look how wacky the best friends are!  Oh jeez, that crazy ex is so crazy!  Oh wow, cool secret girlfriend is cool and accepting of guy things!"

What's that?  "Everything you write is juvenile bullshit"?  Okay, fair enough, but their juvenile bullshit isn't as good as mine.  At least my juvenile bullshit isn't pandering.  As much.  Okay?  Let's move on.

What little time is not taken up with boring, unlikable morons for characters, is filled with female skin.  Boobs, butt, doesn't matter.  It's all about the fan service.  Every time crazy, slutty ex is on screen, she's talking about fucking the protagonist or how hot she is.  There is an entire scene of her stripping to impress the protagonist.  There are random girls who show up when the protagonist is alone, and all of them end up either expressing an interest in getting naked and screwing with him, or actually do so.

This is pathetic pandering to a demographic of college guys who wish they could be around it all the time.

It gets worse.

The protagonist?  Right at the beginning of every show, viewers are reminded that they are the protagonist.  Yes, the show is made in such a way that the viewers are to consider themselves the stars of the show.  Do you guys know what a Mary Sue is?  A Mary Sue is a character inserted into (bad) stories as a flawless avatar of the author.  What Secret Girlfriend is doing here is similar, but a bit different.

Viewers are asked to pretend that they are the protagonist.  The protagonist who does nothing wrong, gets tons of sex, and is considered a manly stud machine whose biggest problem is figuring out which girl he wants to bone each night.  This is escapism at its most blatant.  It's like every bad fan fiction rolled into one and stripped of the fantasy/sci-fi elements.

And they put it on television.

That's not even the worst part.  The worst part?  It could have actually been interesting.  Making the viewer the protagonist is a very novel and interesting mechanic.  They could have done things with that.  It could have been something great, in the hands of writers who aren't washed up idiots.  But no, instead, it's mediocre wish-fulfillment without any funny jokes.

The comedy being retarded, the only element left is the disrobed females...  And it's on cable.  So it's not like they're doing full-frontal nudity.  Therefore, I'm forced to conclude that the only people this show could possibly appeal to are morons, in that they know nothing of good comedy and apparently can't figure out internet porn.

Zero points out of a billion.