Things I Hate About Answering Machines

Dear reader, I work as a telemarketer of sorts.  No, no, not one of those evil ones, hawking shitty wares and clawing at your ears for the credit card numbers in your brains/wallets.  I work soliciting donations from the alumni of my school, to support said school in these tough economic times.

Now, the thing about that is, people are almost never rude to me when I call.  They understand that I'm doing this as a student to pay for food*, and also that it's a good cause.**  But there are also people who cannot contribute, and they feel bad.  So bad, that they might not even answer the phone.

There are a lot of these people.

I listen to a lot of answering machines.

This is what I hate about them.


First thing I hate about answering machines:  The "wit" people put into them.

Look, if you're making your answering machine message, resist the urge to do something "funny".  The very fact that you want to put something "funny" on your answering machine message is proof positive that you have NO COMEDIC TALENT.

The problem is that people never get any feedback on these messages.  They're so terrible that nobody ever leaves them a message or talks to them ever again, so they never know that what they put on their machine is repugnant.  Foul and festering, a disgusting creation of a remorseless deity that just doesn't know any better.

Just don't do it.

Second thing I hate about answering machines:  People who hesitate when recording their message.

There are two types of hesitation in answering machines.  These are type A (before the message) and type B (within the message).  There are two parts to answering machine messages, which are part 1 (the greeting, the "hello") and part 2 (the request for information to be left).  These can be arranged in many ways, but can be categorized into two...  categories.

First category:  Everything except the contents of the second category.

These are best described as a waste of time.  Every second I have to wait to leave you a message is a second I could have used doing something far more interesting and productive.

Like murdering someone.

Second category:  Type B hesitation situated precisely between parts 1 and 2, and type A hesitation.

This category is as FUCKING ANNOYING AS SHIT ON YOUR WINDOWS.  Why?  Think about it.  What happens when someone answers the phone?  They either say hello and wait for you to talk, or they are a bit distracted and wait a little before talking.  The second category is indistinguishable from somebody actually answering the phone.

I cannot count how many times I have said hello to a machine in the second category, only to be annoyed that it was just an idiot who doesn't know how to get out a couple of sentences in quick sequence.

Even worse are the people who combine the first and second things that I hate about answering machines, and insert hesitation precisely because they think this is funny and witty.  These people are proof positive that Texas knows what's up with the death penalty.

Third thing I hate about answering machines:  When they tell me I have reached the person in question.

"Hi, you've reached Blah McBlah!  I'm not here right now, so leave your blah and blah and I'll get back to you as soon as I blah!"

No, you dipshit, I have not reached you.  If I get your answering machine, it is specifically because I cannot reach you.

I just...  Do these people have dictionaries?  How do they not know the meaning of "reach"?

"6. to establish communication with: I called but couldn't reach you."  Dictionary.com.  Took all of three seconds.

Now, you can quibble with me about what "establishing communication with" means.  I mean, yeah, in a certain way, leaving a message for someone is communicating with them.  Kind of.

You know what real communication is?  Real "reaching"?  A goddamn conversation, and that's precisely what anyone calling is looking for.  So don't tell them they have reached you when they're listening to a recording!

Fourth thing I hate about answering machines:  Singing.  Oh fuck, the singing ones.

You do not have a good voice, and even if you do, I don't want to listen to it every time I try to call you and you don't answer.  Songs about calling me back are infuriating.  So infuriating that I can't even think of other stuff to say about them.

Fifth thing I hate about answering machines:  Small children.

Recordings of your children are not cute and endearing more than once.  After that?  Kinda irritating.

I mean, hell, sometimes you can't even understand what's being said.  "Hi...  When I go fly...  I go...  Red!  Red!  Haaaaaa."***  I mean, there's a good case to be made that you don't need to know anything other than that you've gotten an answering machine.  Most people know what to say.  But how are you supposed to know that when you might as well have just listened to a toddler pick up the phone?

Bare minimum for an answering machine:  The words "answering machine" or "message" or just something to let people know they got the robot.  Small children do not understand this.  Stop putting your small children on your answering machine.

Sixth thing I hate about answering machines:  When they haven't even been set up yet.

I know people who have had their phones for months and still haven't set up their answering machines.  As annoying as a machine can be, it's at least useful.  A necessary evil if there ever was one.

The first thing you need to do when you get a phone is make sure your answering machine works, so that, in almost every case of your phone not working, you can at least get important messages.  Even a combination of ALL of the above things I hate about them is better than a lack of a working machine at all.

How else am I to let you know that I'm outside with an axe because of your "funny" message?

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* For eating.

** I'm a frickin' orphaned angel is what I'm getting at here.

*** Actual message I had to hear at work today.