Things You Can Do with Spoons

Spoons are, without a doubt, one of man's most versatile implements.  Every day, it is likely that you will come within two feet of a spoon at least once.  Why?  Because they are so ridiculously useful.  I personally carry at least three spoons of varying size and shape at all times.

This is a spoon.

First thing you can do with a spoon:  Eat.  Everyone needs to eat.  Spoons facilitate this greatly.  Here is how it works:

1. Insert spoon, concave side upward, into food material.  Softer foods, like liquids, gels, and pastries work best, but even meats and nuts will yield with sufficient effort.
2. Lift spoon.  If inserted properly, the desired portion will come away from the main body of your meal without difficulty; however, if inserted improperly, be prepared for some struggle.
3. Insert spoon and food matter into mouth.
4. Slide spoon out of mouth, with lips conforming to its shape, in order to scrape off the desired portion.  Be careful not to keep your mouth open during this step; you will look like an idiot.
   
5. Swallow.  DO NOT PERFORM STEP FIVE WITHOUT PERFORMING STEP FOUR.
   
6. Repeat until meal is consumed in entirety.
   

Liquid gold.

Simple stuff, really.  But it saved my ass a lot back in the war.  Napalm:  Surprisingly edible.

Second thing you can do with spoons:  Play them.  Yes, that's right, spoons can be a source of that uniquely human* magic known as music.  Check it, suckas:

This dude is pretty much the epitome of cool.  Look at him.  He's gonna play his goddamn spoons, wearing comfortable attire and expressing himself with piercings, and you're gonna like it, asshole.  And here's the thing:  You can be that guy.  Anytime, anywhere, you can bust out some spoons and rock some people's harmonic shit.  So why don't you?

Third thing you can do with spoons:  Gouge out the eyes of your enemies.

Seems pretty self-explanatory, really.

Got some person you hate?  Mildly dislike?  Kinda smells funny?  Whatever, no jury is gonna convict you if you just bust out a good ol' gougin' spoon and pop that eye out like a slippery hard-boiled egg in the hands of a toddler.  Why?  Because that's a gouging with style, damnit.

Alternatives for eyeless enemies:

1. Thump the chest really hard.  Like, hold the end of the handle, and bend it back catapult style (backwards, though) and just let it loose.
2. Fuck, just use it as a catapult.  Marbles are good.  If you're crafty, encase pepper spray in paintball shells.
3. Not even gonna go into the torments you can levy below the belt.

Fourth thing you can do with spoons:  Spoon.  Okay this one is stretching it a bit, but come on.  Spooning is great.  It's not a sexual thing.  It's just an expression of intimacy with the people you love.

See?  Nothing sexual about it.  Just a couple of friends enjoying a nap.

If you're good, you can get a multi-party spooning session up and running.  I stress, again, "if you're good."  Inexperienced spooners can often decapitate partners when attempting complex maneuvers (the Five Star Ranger, for example).  It is a tragedy the likes of which I'll not tolerate from you, dear readers.  You should know better than to attempt something without the requisite training.

These poor bastards were blind ever after, and never again could they sleep without nightmares of tangled, bloody limbs.

So anyway, spooning is great.  Studies** show that nappers are at least fifty percent more well-rested when spooning, contrasted with catching HIV when not spooning.

Fifth thing you can do with spoons:  Set harmless, but amusing, traps for slapstick gold.

Think about it.  Just put a spoon right on the floor in front of a door (rooms which are customarily kept dark are best for this, to avoid being caught before the payoff) and hide, with a clear view of the proceedings.

Soon enough, some sap will open the door, step forward, and BAM, wooden handle in the face.

Wait.

No, that's rakes.

Shit.

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* Fuck off, songbirds.

** What, you want a citation?  Just Google it, you lazy ass.