Things I Hate About Clothes

Clothing. Kloathing. [kloðiŋ]. Such an ugly word.

Spanish is a bit better. La ropa. French: les vêtements.

If you're a sane individual, you sleep in the nude, you know, conditions allowing. You're cold? Blanket, meet weakling, you'll be friends.* Temperature is never an excuse to put clothing on in a bedtime situation, as long as proper bedtime apparatuses are available and maintained.

If you're like me, you're naked every chance you get. Why? Because it's goddamn comfortable, that's why. You weren't born with a wool sweater on. You know, unless you're a llama. But, then you'd have to explain how you can even read this shit, operate a computer, get anywhere near a computer, you know... llama logistics. Llagistics. Homework assignment: Use "llagistics" in daily conversation.

Mutant llama freak!

Anyway. I enjoy undress. You should, too. If you do, awesome. Here's the thing: Everyone else hates you. You are banned from society while naked. This is not ethnic prejudice. This is not sexual bigotry.

This is an affront to human dignity. A revulsion for our own bodies. Serious business. It's time to fight back, and I will not send you into battle unarmed. Take these words for slugs, and these proven facts for rifles. Here we go.

This is what clothing is for, you guys:

1. (Narrow) Practical Application
2. Social Status

I'll cover the good, sensible stuff before the heaping mountain of bullshit.

Okay, it's snowing, yeah, you wanna throw some stuff on. Cold is nobody's friend.

Look at this asshole. Nobody likes him. He probably wants to grope everyone you love. Cold: Makes you shiver uncontrollably, follows you everywhere when you go outside, tries to get in your clothes. Total creeper.

Inuit: Molestation Proof

So yeah, there are some situations where clothing is appropriate. Cold, safety, and other weather protections (wear hats outside if you're white).

The rest of the time? Pretentious posturing. Nobody wears clothing because they like it. At best, pleasure from clothing is derived from the social acceptance it brings. Yeah, nobody likes to go to work, but everyone likes money.

Some people** justify clothing as a sexual appeal thing. Some ensembles are definitely sexier than others. Why? Because the sexy clothing shows more skin. Let's just take that to the logical conclusion, and discount clothing as something sexual, simultaneously: If you're not attracted to someone when they're naked, you're not gonna be attracted to them when they're in lingerie.

But here's the difference between clothing and work: Work is usually something useful. The more fashionable a clothing item is, the less useful it is for daily tasks. Have you ever asked a girl to put something in her pockets? What was her answer? That's what I thought. "I can't fit anything in them!" Why do they even bother putting pockets on girls' pants if they're gonna make them an inch deep?

I bought a $200 dollar tablet to draw this shit for you.

Then there are the holes. Oh man, the holes.

This is how they come from the store. Like someone took a weed whacker to them in the back. If you buy these, you are a total moron. Do you buy your cereal prechewed? Your phones predropped? Your glasses precracked?

So that's the first few things I hate about clothing:

1. It's totally impractical.
2. It's uncomfortable.
3. The few useful articles are frowned upon.

The other things I hate about clothing are not actually about clothing, so much as about how it is sold to us.

I recently took a trip to Kohl's. I got a (very useful) new jacket (the lining is so fucking soft you guys). But man, given the choice, I would not go back there. Right as I entered, BAM, picture of two smiling little girls on a poster. The one on the right is your standard giddy schoolchild.*** The one on the right, though, she catches your eye... Something is wrong.

Is that... No, surely not. Is that a poorly disguised grimace on that child's face? Holy fuck, she looks monstrous. She's baring her teeth like a wild animal, her eyes welling up, betraying the fear which motivates her snarling mask.

Ha. If you put a hand over one of her eyes, she looks like a pirate.****

Shocked by this tortured young one, you move on, hoping to never see the likes again. But oh, oh, what is this... No. Surely not.

Statues. Grotesque mockeries of the human form. Cartoon children with their heads on fire, or their hair tinged unnatural colors from malnutrition, flying about as if fresh from a blow about the head.

They... They're smiling. The artist, no... the craftsman, must... must have been trying to convey something joyful? Sick. You might... No, you just did throw up a little, right in the back of your throat. Even to represent something so heinous in physical form is a crime worthy of banishment in civilized societies. Art takes on souls of its own, and these souls are wretched, torn asunder by the mind of a depraved sculptor.

You bow your head, giving these agonized, half-human creatures your respect... Not enough to slow your pace, or keep from pissing yourself in terror, though.

Steel yourself, reader. The worst is yet to come.

SOCK PACKAGING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seriously though, guys, have you seen this? It's the very definition of "outlandish". I think. Last time I looked it up I think it said, "Sock packaging." Someone look that up for me.

"POWER SOX: MAXIMUM DRIVE!" These are socks, you guys.

"WICKS MOISTURE AWAY FROM FEET!" Where the hell is the moisture supposed to go? Socks are worn on your feet. Have they figured out some sort of interdimensional portal technology, and embedded them in the fabric to gobble up the salty seeping? 'Cause I can think of a whole lot of cooler things they could do with interdimensional portals. Somewhat redeeming use of "wick" as a verb, though.

"ANTIMICROBIAL: ELIMINATES FOOT ODOR!" Bullshit. Sweat smells bad, socks collect sweat, ergo, socks smell bad. You can't pick up a turd by the clean end.*****

"CONFORM TO YOUR FEET FOR MAXIMUM FLEXIBILITY!" Just to reiterate: Socks.

Socks.

To round out that list, then, the fourth thing I hate about clothes is the copious, steaming servings of bullshit flung at us trying to convince us to buy this or that brand of clothing, from this or that store (don't shop at Kohl's, unless you're looking for a Halloween haunted house).

Dear readers, I firmly believe in the power of good ideas. And I believe that you can recognize a good idea when you see it, and go forth, and spread good ideas. So, I'm begging you. You sexy, sexy people.

Stop wearing clothes.

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* I love blankets so much you guys oh my god. So much.

** Totally making this part up.

*** Conforms to A8E3 Standards as set forth by the Commission to Determine Attributes of Standard Children, Giddy or Otherwise.

**** Two hands: Blind pirate.

***** Totally stole this line from my dad.