What to Do When You're Out of Clothes to Wear

One day, you will wake up, and get ready for your day, and open your closet.  And you will see, in your closet, nothing but bare hangers and a bit of lint in the corner.  Maybe an old baseball glove or magazine sticking out of a cardboard box.  But nothing, absolutely nothing to wear.

You will be confused.  You will be afraid.  These are reasonable responses.  But you're going to have to overcome them and move forward.  With my help, I believe, no, I know that you will surmount this challenge.


Now, you may remember that my favorite answer to the question, "What are you going to wear today?" is "Nothing," if you've read my previous article on the subject.  But, I am not an egotistical man.  I am aware that some people might disagree with me on that point.  Nevertheless, those same people may find themselves in the position I have outlined above!  Since I am a generous man, I will provide aid to even these irrational assholes, stuck using the crutch of cloth and stitching.  You're welcome.

So, the first course of action to pursue when your closet and drawers are empty is probably to wash your dirty clothing.  Revolutionary, I know.  All you have to do is procure the right ingredients and equipment, and make yourself some shirt stew.

Some people have an aversion to doing laundry, however.  This is entirely understandable!

THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND WILL HAPPEN AGAIN

So, what are these pansies people to do?  One option is to sucker someone else into doing your laundry for you.  That's pretty much the only option, actually.  Suckers can take the form of dedicated employees (obviously requiring payment in valid currencies) or extraordinarily dedicated friends.

Most of the time, however, suckers will take the form of mothers.  Yes, most mothers will do your laundry for you provided that you can get it to them.  If your mother does not do so, consider the possibility that you were abused as a child.

They're not even her children. It's just that if she doesn't buy them their trinkets, she will wake up in a back alley, without limbs.

There are other obstacles, though, that even a sucker cannot surmount.  These obstacles are certain lacks, that is, the lack of resources, the lack of time, and the lack of clothing to wash in the first place.

As for the resources, the most commonly missing ingredient is soap.  What you will have to do, in this case, is something that many have called unethical.  Evil, even.  But you know what?  "Many" are also gutless, stupid jerks.  So ignore them, and rob a soap mine.

Soap mines are the source of all surfactants.  Men, women, and children toil away twenty-four hours a day, extracting the raw soapstuff from some of the hardest rock known to man.  Laundry soap is usually refined from this soapstuff in a process known as the Kribbs-Weilbanger Relay,* but the raw material will do in a pinch.

As for the moral implications, well, people claim that stealing the soap is wrong because it makes the miners work harder for less pay.  But, look, these poor bastards, down in the tunnels, they have nowhere to go.  The very fact that they're mining soap is proof that every second they get closer to death is a victory.  Working them harder, for less pay (and therefore less food and medicine**) is going to bring them ever closer to that sweet release for themselves and their children.

You're doing this guy a favor.

The second most commonly missing ingredient in the whole process is time.  Lots of people don't do their laundry because they can't wait around for an hour and a half to get a single load done, let alone wait for several loads.  I have tons of free time, so I don't really get this problem, but I'm told it's very vexing.

As for the solution, well, same deal.  Rob a time mine.  Be careful not to drop any, or you'll waste it on aging some stupid patch of concrete or something.  Especially don't drop it in the mine itself, or you'll risk aging the whole tunnel by a few decades and inducing a cave-in, which will release even more time into the place, and you're just fucked at that point.  By the time the chain reaction stops, you'll be the subject of an archaeological dig.***

But, what if resources aren't the problem?  What if you just don't have any clothing to wear or wash, or any clothing at all?  Well, my first question would be something about how you managed to get a closet without any clothing.  Last I checked, you can't waltz into a bank for a housing loan in your birthday suit.  For the sake of continuing the article, though, let's just assume that your clothing has been thefted by a suicidal soap miner**** who wants to use it for makeshift nooses for himself and his family.

What now?  You go hunting.  The fields of JC Kohlsia are teeming with wild garments, and all you need to do is catch and kill them.  Undergarments and socks are docile and stupid, and they roam in packs.  Just put out some mousetraps and you'll be in business on that front.  Pants are wily, but not dangerous.  Catching them is the problem.  You'll want to practice with your spears and stealth techniques before attempting them.

Most difficult of all, of course, are shirts.  Shirts are dangerous.  Do not attempt to take down a shirt unaccompanied, or you will probably never be seen again.  You know how Discovery has Shark Week?  HSN has Shirt Week.

This is a documentary.

Your best bet is to get a sucker to act as a distraction for the bloodthirsty fiends while you sneak up behind them with a starch-based paralytic agent.  I caution against using your mother or any extraordinarily dedicated friends for this, as you (probably) only have one of each.  Homeless people are easily bribed, though.

If you think you can handle it, all you have to do afterward is wash the corpses, using the already detailed instructions, and you'll have wearable clothes to last you a fortnight or so.  After that fortnight (or so), consult this guide again, and you'll be in business for another length of time (probably in the vicinity of a fortnight).

Now, was that really worth all that fear and confusion?

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* The KWR is not to be attempted without the requisite equipment, which includes three oil drums, a military grade laser, and five hollow, steel rods.  In addition, do not attempt it without at least three years' training in Soap Exomechanics from a certified university.


** The medicine is probably used to relieve the symptoms of Soap Lung.

*** I wanted to make a joke about McCain, but I figured nobody cares anymore.

**** All soap miners are suicidal, really.