Is it a guest blog? Or just a... blog? The World May Never Know (TM)

So I write some funny things on Facebook sometimes. These are some of those.


First, as context, for a while (approximately twelve hours) my profile picture was a ridiculously confused baby. This baby had nothing to do with me at all but was still pretty confused. I wrote the following status:

"the lowercase italicized "f" is always a character I am quick to study in great detail when judging the merit of a typeface. If you can't produce an amazing lowercase italicized "f" easily, you probably shouldn't be in the typeface business."

Oh Sweet Helena!

When I was a young man, many untruths reigned freely in my troubled mind. Despite my father’s wisdom, I regularly mistook any fleeting glance from a lady to be signs of unrequited love. The passions that raged within me from these accidental moments would be quelled only by drowning them later in wine, when I would writhe in miserable anguish on the study floor, red sediment staining my lips from their familiar hold on the bottle.

Helena was by far the most thirst-inducing of all the nymphs of my youth. Oh sweet Helena, forgive my foolishness!

Things I Hate About Answering Machines

Dear reader, I work as a telemarketer of sorts.  No, no, not one of those evil ones, hawking shitty wares and clawing at your ears for the credit card numbers in your brains/wallets.  I work soliciting donations from the alumni of my school, to support said school in these tough economic times.

Now, the thing about that is, people are almost never rude to me when I call.  They understand that I'm doing this as a student to pay for food*, and also that it's a good cause.**  But there are also people who cannot contribute, and they feel bad.  So bad, that they might not even answer the phone.

There are a lot of these people.

I listen to a lot of answering machines.

This is what I hate about them.

I Review Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity is a movie about paranormal activity.  It is not a documentary, as the advertisements would have you believe.  It is entirely fictitious.  It had an extremely low budget, the lowest budget for a feature film since The Blair Witch Project.

This is the only laudable fact about the entire movie.  Everything else is total shit.

I Draw Stuff Poorly #1

Dear reader, welcome to the first edition of I Draw Stuff Poorly.  This is what happens when you hand a tablet to someone with a lot of imagination and absolutely no technical skill in the visual arts.  Enjoy!

I Review Secret Girlfriend

Secret Girlfriend is a show on Comedy Central.  It is bad, in many ways.

This show does not deserve your time or even to exist at all.