Things You Can Do with Lint

Lint.  You all know what it is.  You probably leave it in your dryer's lint trap for several loads at once, endangering your own life and those of your family just because you're lazy.  Perfectly understandable.  Except it's not.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to give you that extra motivation you need to collect and dispose of that lint, by showing you a metric fuckton of things you can do with what amounts to the dead skin of your clothing.

What To Do When You've Burnt Your Tongue

So, you've burnt your tongue.  Maybe you ate some microwaved product too fast.  Maybe you were walking on a bed of coals and you fell, but your hands were tied, so all you could do was fling out your tongue with wild abandon in hopes of protecting the rest of your body.  Maybe you were attacked by one of the infamous Sense Death biker gang, whose modus operandi is the crippling of the senses of those who offend them.

Maybe you just didn't want the bees to sting your tongue.  Completely reasonable!

None of this matters.  In the end, your tongue is burnt, and you've no idea what to do.  Wonder no more, dear readers.  I am here to solve all of your problems.  You're welcome.

How to be a Ghost

Alright, so you didn't take my advice on becoming a knight, and now you're going to kill your emo ass. Hold your horses, Hemingway! Perhaps I could interest you in a fulfilling career in haunting. Just follow this easy to use guide and in no time at all you could be the talk of the (ghost) town!

Oh Sweet Helena!

When I was a young man, many untruths reigned freely in my troubled mind. Despite my father’s wisdom, I regularly mistook any fleeting glance from a lady to be signs of unrequited love. The passions that raged within me from these accidental moments would be quelled only by drowning them later in wine, when I would writhe in miserable anguish on the study floor, red sediment staining my lips from their familiar hold on the bottle.

Helena was by far the most thirst-inducing of all the nymphs of my youth. Oh sweet Helena, forgive my foolishness!

Debatiquette

The debate, an age old and honoured institution. Used by some of society's most brilliant and influential people. Politicians, too. As a boy super genius with a PhD in whoop ass, I've been in many a debate, spanning issues from the ethics of euthanasia to the merits of crunchy peanut butter.* As a public service,** allow me to share with you the most masterful debate strategies I have ever encountered.

Things I Hate About Answering Machines

Dear reader, I work as a telemarketer of sorts.  No, no, not one of those evil ones, hawking shitty wares and clawing at your ears for the credit card numbers in your brains/wallets.  I work soliciting donations from the alumni of my school, to support said school in these tough economic times.

Now, the thing about that is, people are almost never rude to me when I call.  They understand that I'm doing this as a student to pay for food*, and also that it's a good cause.**  But there are also people who cannot contribute, and they feel bad.  So bad, that they might not even answer the phone.

There are a lot of these people.

I listen to a lot of answering machines.

This is what I hate about them.