How to Make a Speech - By Shadow of the Lotus

Shadow of the Lotus is a pretty cool dude.  I say that because it's true and not because the first paragraph of his guest article got me all hot and bothered.  Definitely not the latter.

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Hello all of you out there; I just got out of the shower and so I’m typing this only wearing a towel. Luckily for me, none of you can see this. Unluckily for you, NONE OF YOU CAN SEE THIS. What sculpted abs of absolute might or the absolutely hunkalicious way my hair falls against my bare skin can not be properly appreciated in words. You, fair readers, can only attempt to savor the absolute raw sex appeal that sits before you, typing away for your enjoyment. What I’m here to teach you deprived souls of the internet is how to give a speech. There are four central concepts you need to follow in forming and giving a speech and I am here to enlighten you with them. One word of advice, it’s best to reread each section once or twice after reading it or else you won’t really appreciate what’s going on; trust me.

Things You Can Do with Lint

Lint.  You all know what it is.  You probably leave it in your dryer's lint trap for several loads at once, endangering your own life and those of your family just because you're lazy.  Perfectly understandable.  Except it's not.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to give you that extra motivation you need to collect and dispose of that lint, by showing you a metric fuckton of things you can do with what amounts to the dead skin of your clothing.

Hark, Facets

Psychology is, in many ways, a very dynamic field.  As our understanding of the brain is augmented, honed, we discover, daily, that many of our fundamental notions of it are completely unreliable, and that very alien concepts and tendencies may be the law of the land, so to speak.

The most celebrated researcher into the machinations of the human mind needs as much introduction as Einstein in the height of his popularity.  He is a household name, this Dr. Mathieu Strawson.  His theories have revolutionized the field, and their impacts have been wide-ranging ever since they were first published, in April of 1993.  There is not a household in the developed nations which has not benefited from his ideas, which gave us better treatment, bordering on cures for all manners of psychopathic illness and memory disorder.

The following is an excerpt from the journal of Dr. Strawson, dated May 16th, 2004.

Things You Shouldn't Put Syrup On

Syrup.  Ambrosial nectar of the gods on high.  Just saying the name makes my mouth water.

Kids know what's up with syrup.  Pancakes?  Waffles?  Pah.  They are but vessels for the glory of the sauce.  To call them a foodstuff is like calling the Popemobile the infallible mouth of God.

And yet, just as the Pope does not belong in certain situations,* syrup need not grace all substances with its sacred sweetness.  What follows, beyond the mysterious "read more" link, is a short list of just a few of these things.

What To Do When You've Burnt Your Tongue

So, you've burnt your tongue.  Maybe you ate some microwaved product too fast.  Maybe you were walking on a bed of coals and you fell, but your hands were tied, so all you could do was fling out your tongue with wild abandon in hopes of protecting the rest of your body.  Maybe you were attacked by one of the infamous Sense Death biker gang, whose modus operandi is the crippling of the senses of those who offend them.

Maybe you just didn't want the bees to sting your tongue.  Completely reasonable!

None of this matters.  In the end, your tongue is burnt, and you've no idea what to do.  Wonder no more, dear readers.  I am here to solve all of your problems.  You're welcome.

I'm So Busy #1, Or, I Review Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue

Okay, you guys, I am really busy.  I have not been able to write anything for the blog due to a high concentration of homework this weekend/week.  So what I'm going to do is show you my hastily, sloppily composed essays which are detracting from my posts here.  Dare I say that they are rather...  Slapdash???

Essay #1:  A Book Review of Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue

What to Do When You're Out of Clothes to Wear

One day, you will wake up, and get ready for your day, and open your closet.  And you will see, in your closet, nothing but bare hangers and a bit of lint in the corner.  Maybe an old baseball glove or magazine sticking out of a cardboard box.  But nothing, absolutely nothing to wear.

You will be confused.  You will be afraid.  These are reasonable responses.  But you're going to have to overcome them and move forward.  With my help, I believe, no, I know that you will surmount this challenge.

Things I Hate About Answering Machines

Dear reader, I work as a telemarketer of sorts.  No, no, not one of those evil ones, hawking shitty wares and clawing at your ears for the credit card numbers in your brains/wallets.  I work soliciting donations from the alumni of my school, to support said school in these tough economic times.

Now, the thing about that is, people are almost never rude to me when I call.  They understand that I'm doing this as a student to pay for food*, and also that it's a good cause.**  But there are also people who cannot contribute, and they feel bad.  So bad, that they might not even answer the phone.

There are a lot of these people.

I listen to a lot of answering machines.

This is what I hate about them.

I Review Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity is a movie about paranormal activity.  It is not a documentary, as the advertisements would have you believe.  It is entirely fictitious.  It had an extremely low budget, the lowest budget for a feature film since The Blair Witch Project.

This is the only laudable fact about the entire movie.  Everything else is total shit.

I Draw Stuff Poorly #1

Dear reader, welcome to the first edition of I Draw Stuff Poorly.  This is what happens when you hand a tablet to someone with a lot of imagination and absolutely no technical skill in the visual arts.  Enjoy!

Things You Can Do with Ducks, Revisited

It has been brought to my attention that I have forgotten several things you can do with ducks in my prior treatment. Read on for several more fun activities you can do with our seaplane buddies!  Whom you should despise without reservation.  But still, read on!

Things You Can Do with Ducks

Ducks.  What are ducks?  Wikipedia, the Alexandrian library of the internet, defines ducks as "the common name for a number of species in the Anatidae family of birds...  Ducks are mostly aquatic birds, mostly smaller than the swans and geese, and may be found in both fresh water and sea water."  Also, they handily give a picture:

Hi duckie!  Who's a cutie?  You're a cutie!

That's great and all, but it doesn't really tell you anything about what you can do with them, and, as we all know, the value of any natural feature of our world is only to be found in how we can exploit it.

I'm going to tell you how you can exploit ducks. 

I Review Secret Girlfriend

Secret Girlfriend is a show on Comedy Central.  It is bad, in many ways.

This show does not deserve your time or even to exist at all.

What to Do When Confronted by a Bear

I'm sure you guys know what a bear is.  Bears are massive, hairy, vicious beasts that will as soon tear you a new one as look at you, and start to slobber just contemplating your plump, meaty body.

Huh.  Weird.  I don't remember saving that to my desktop.

Also, Katy (Red)

Yes, the feared and respected (yet inexplicably a really nice person if you actually talk to her for like five minutes) Red Herring is now an author here as well.

Also a mysterious person we shall call Mysterio, whom you likely know (if you frequent MSPA), but whose identity will still remain a mystery to you.

Oh, hey, by the way...

Gankro and Wheatthins are now contributing authors.  If they ever get off their asses and write something, it will show up here.

PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR DELIGHT IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE

Things You Can Do with Spoons

Spoons are, without a doubt, one of man's most versatile implements.  Every day, it is likely that you will come within two feet of a spoon at least once.  Why?  Because they are so ridiculously useful.  I personally carry at least three spoons of varying size and shape at all times.

This is a spoon.

Things I Hate About Clothes

Clothing. Kloathing. [kloðiŋ]. Such an ugly word.

Spanish is a bit better. La ropa. French: les vêtements.

If you're a sane individual, you sleep in the nude, you know, conditions allowing. You're cold? Blanket, meet weakling, you'll be friends.* Temperature is never an excuse to put clothing on in a bedtime situation, as long as proper bedtime apparatuses are available and maintained.

If you're like me, you're naked every chance you get. Why? Because it's goddamn comfortable, that's why. You weren't born with a wool sweater on. You know, unless you're a llama. But, then you'd have to explain how you can even read this shit, operate a computer, get anywhere near a computer, you know... llama logistics. Llagistics. Homework assignment: Use "llagistics" in daily conversation.

Mutant llama freak!

Ah, birth, the most beautiful of occasions.

If you can see this post without any other posts or comments, congratulations. You have witnessed something miraculous. The birth of a blog.