Things You Shouldn't Put Syrup On

Syrup.  Ambrosial nectar of the gods on high.  Just saying the name makes my mouth water.

Kids know what's up with syrup.  Pancakes?  Waffles?  Pah.  They are but vessels for the glory of the sauce.  To call them a foodstuff is like calling the Popemobile the infallible mouth of God.

And yet, just as the Pope does not belong in certain situations,* syrup need not grace all substances with its sacred sweetness.  What follows, beyond the mysterious "read more" link, is a short list of just a few of these things.

First thing you shouldn't put syrup on:  Bears.

Remember my handy guide to what you should do when confronted by a bear?  Skim it if you don't remember or haven't read it.  Notice something?  Nowhere, absolutely nowhere, does it say you should put syrup on the bear in question.  Let it be known that if I don't expressly tell you to do something in one of my articles, it's probably not a safe thing to do.  Consider yourself warned.

Here's the deal:  Bears are very sensitive.  The reason they're such assholes (and they are total assholes, you guys) is they don't want you to know that, deep down, they are only seeking approval.  Acceptance.  So, they turn you down before you even get the chance to hurt them.

I guess...  I guess they get creativity points for interpreting "turn you down" as "rend and consume your flesh, obliterate your material belongings, leaving nothing for your family to inherit, and terrorize everyone you know with the threat of the exact same fate."

Anyway, pouring syrup on them is just going to be seen as a rejection.  They will see it as an implication that the only thing that makes them even bearable** is the best substance on Earth.

And this will result in you screaming, wishing you could run away on your now broken legs.  Just...  Okay, look.  You know the three rules of Bearology?  Toss 'em.  New rules:

1.  Don't go near bears.
2.  If you are near a bear, give up.  There is no hope.

Please note that neither of these rules involve syrup in any way.

Second thing you shouldn't put syrup on:  Bricks.

Bricks, as I am sure you're aware, are used for three things:  Building, window-breaking, and braining.   None of these things are improved by the addition of syrup.

Let's run down the list, shall we?

Building:  Not only will ants cover your walls, but your walls will just fall down on you.  I mean, come on.  Syrup is sticky, but not that sticky.***

Window-Breaking:  You're likely to have that brick thrown right back at you, and, this time?  It'll have shards of glass stuck to it with sugary goodness, which will make your flesh wounds attract ants.  Not a good situation, overall.

Braining:  Generally, when you brain someone, you're trying to inflict harm on them.  I mean, just as a rule of thumb.  So adding syrup is just showing them mercy, which is counter-productive.

Third thing you shouldn't put syrup on:  Bees.

Insects which fly and sting?  Pretty horrendous.  Insects which fly and sting and stick to your skin and continue to bite at you while they die?  Nightmare fuel.

You may object!  "How," you so naively interject, "can the bees fly when they are covered in syrup?  It's so very sticky!"

Uh, hello?  Bees make honey.  Possibly the one thing on Earth which is stickier than syrup.  What, you think they just don't touch the honey?  Yeah, no, bees are not going to be hindered one bit by syrup.

Fourth thing you shouldn't put syrup on:  Strangers.

Two possible outcomes:  You are labeled as a sexual miscreant and put in sex jail, or you are attacked by someone who likes being covered in syrup by strangers and should therefore be in the very same sex jail.

Moving on.

Fifth thing you shouldn't put syrup on:  Razors.

See bricks, re: window-breaking.

Actually, you know what?  I could have just replaced this entire article with one sentence.

Don't put syrup on things that you shouldn't put in your mouth.

I defy you to come up with a counterexample in the comments.

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* Strip clubs.  Camping.  Tanning salons.  Sororities.  Fraternities.  Crime scenes.  Children's birthday parties.  I could do this all day.

** HA.

*** Unless you get it on your clothing.  Then it really is that sticky.