How to Make a Speech - By Shadow of the Lotus

Shadow of the Lotus is a pretty cool dude.  I say that because it's true and not because the first paragraph of his guest article got me all hot and bothered.  Definitely not the latter.

---

Hello all of you out there; I just got out of the shower and so I’m typing this only wearing a towel. Luckily for me, none of you can see this. Unluckily for you, NONE OF YOU CAN SEE THIS. What sculpted abs of absolute might or the absolutely hunkalicious way my hair falls against my bare skin can not be properly appreciated in words. You, fair readers, can only attempt to savor the absolute raw sex appeal that sits before you, typing away for your enjoyment. What I’m here to teach you deprived souls of the internet is how to give a speech. There are four central concepts you need to follow in forming and giving a speech and I am here to enlighten you with them. One word of advice, it’s best to reread each section once or twice after reading it or else you won’t really appreciate what’s going on; trust me.

How to be a Ghost

Alright, so you didn't take my advice on becoming a knight, and now you're going to kill your emo ass. Hold your horses, Hemingway! Perhaps I could interest you in a fulfilling career in haunting. Just follow this easy to use guide and in no time at all you could be the talk of the (ghost) town!

How to be a Knight

So I'm pretty sure your life sucks pretty hard. In fact, I'm certain you were about to kill yourself. Which raises a pretty good question: Was reading this really going to be your final act? You might as well kill yourself if that's what your priorities are. Wait, no. Read this first.

You should clearly take up the noble career of KNIGHTSMANSHIP because, seriously, no one cares about your mastery of ANGSTMANSHIP. It's a relatively simple task if you follow these easy steps.