Day: Final

I am... of no consequence. Just another man. I lay alone, staring at the ceiling, reflecting. Has it really been almost three years now? Three years since they arrived. The invaders, the huskers. Bitter, heartless beings bent on nothing but death and destruction. Ripping out the chests of innocents, crawling into their mangled remains, distorting, warping, horrendous. Forcing the dead to move about like horrible, stringless marionettes. How many of us are left? I can't say. Weeks, months, not a soul have I encountered. Alone in a world bent on my destruction. They gnaw at my sanity, the wheezes and howls that echo down these empty roads. I have to make it stop. I will make it stop.

I drag myself off of my dilapidated mattress. Not that I had been sleeping. Not for weeks, years, centuries. Who knows. I examine my surroundings, a small suburban home; Boarded up and slowly rotting away. Unpleasant but familiar, hiding me away from them like a worthless coward. No more. Months of planning, searching. Building after building, scraped clean of all weapons and volatile substances. All in preparation for this day. Armageddon. Every crevice crammed with weaponry. Oven, sink, fridge, packed to the brim with explosives. I am ready.

Fire: Pretty Useful

Recent scientific experimentation has led to the discovery, and subsequent understanding, of fire. A volatile and destructive element with the potential to level cities and vapourize forests. You may think that something so powerful should be destroyed, but you would be mistaken. Fire has infinite practical applications that could bring our glorious society into a golden age of prosperity.

First off, and most importantly, it makes everything awesome. Are you having trouble courting the members of the fairer sex with your considerable skills in the art of fencing? Set your foil ablaze, good sir! The ladies will have no choice but to accept your marriage proposals!

This man is fending off all the ladies who want him.

Klïp Klöp

Klip Klop, Klip Klop;
Outta my way can't stop!
Ridin' my steed down the dusty trail;
Droppin' weak ass bitches without fail!
Masters of battle, elegant as fuck all;
Cavalry's 'ere, no time to stall!
This shit ain't 'bout no punk as lil' ponies;
I be reppin' for the beastly equine beauties!
I hear all y'all be sayin' "horses be whack!";
But I'd like to see ya go 88 with a midget on yo' back!
Step off motorists, why you gots to be hatin;
Internal combustion just be weak ass emulatin'!
Features ain't nothin', Bluetooth an' GPS, no threat;
I'm a mother fuckin' cowboy, only direction is sunset!
Camels 'n' mules, whatever, just plain hacks;
Ain't never seen a llama on these here tracks!
Nothin' can match up, kings among playas;
Takin' down QB's in the motherfuckin' himalayas!
Slayin' dragons, conquerin' nations, no prob';
They'll drop you down an' make you sob!

Peace, motherfuckers.

How to be a Ghost

Alright, so you didn't take my advice on becoming a knight, and now you're going to kill your emo ass. Hold your horses, Hemingway! Perhaps I could interest you in a fulfilling career in haunting. Just follow this easy to use guide and in no time at all you could be the talk of the (ghost) town!

Debatiquette

The debate, an age old and honoured institution. Used by some of society's most brilliant and influential people. Politicians, too. As a boy super genius with a PhD in whoop ass, I've been in many a debate, spanning issues from the ethics of euthanasia to the merits of crunchy peanut butter.* As a public service,** allow me to share with you the most masterful debate strategies I have ever encountered.

Bible Beta

Dear Faithful Christian,

Due to a recent decline in church attendance, we are currently pursuing new members. Currently we are targetting urban youth. Therefore, we are proud to offer you the opportunity to review an "urbanized" version of the bible. Comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

I was going to write an article but instead I made a program

By gathering and interpreting the data available in the profiles and articles made by my peers and I, I was able to design a program that can produce articles of greater or equal quality to our articles in our exact styles! This took me several days so I hope you enjoy it!

Sorry guys, we've been outsourced.

Doom Force

Puny mortals! Tremble before the might of my Super Doom Force!

The Testosterogue

I'm gonna be honest, I have no clue what this guy's deal is. He just kinda showed up yelling "LET'S DO THIS SHIT" and started punching out small children. He's pretty big. That's kinda his thing. He uh... he's not really all that complex. Although, he does have one weakness, nerds. In the presence of a true nerd, he completely loses his focus (or rather, what little he had to begin with) and goes into a berserker rage.*

He's smiling because he just ate a bus of children.

How to be a Knight

So I'm pretty sure your life sucks pretty hard. In fact, I'm certain you were about to kill yourself. Which raises a pretty good question: Was reading this really going to be your final act? You might as well kill yourself if that's what your priorities are. Wait, no. Read this first.

You should clearly take up the noble career of KNIGHTSMANSHIP because, seriously, no one cares about your mastery of ANGSTMANSHIP. It's a relatively simple task if you follow these easy steps.

Welcome to Canada "[Your future] Home and Native Land"

Greetings, potential migrant citizen, and congratulations on reading the "Introduction to Canada Panflet" that comes with every bottle of Canadiana Maple Syrup™. The subsequent pages will detail what makes Canada unique and why you should become a part of our nation.

Unlike many other countries, Canada always puts the environment first. In lieu of traditional "cities," Canadians have grown to live with the natural flora and fauna. Instead of ripping out Mother Earth's entrails and piling them up into "sky scrapers" we integrate our homes into the trees of the forests.

Mowing the lawn is, admittedly, impractical.

Oh, hey, by the way...

Gankro and Wheatthins are now contributing authors.  If they ever get off their asses and write something, it will show up here.

PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR DELIGHT IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE