What To Do When You've Burnt Your Tongue

So, you've burnt your tongue.  Maybe you ate some microwaved product too fast.  Maybe you were walking on a bed of coals and you fell, but your hands were tied, so all you could do was fling out your tongue with wild abandon in hopes of protecting the rest of your body.  Maybe you were attacked by one of the infamous Sense Death biker gang, whose modus operandi is the crippling of the senses of those who offend them.

Maybe you just didn't want the bees to sting your tongue.  Completely reasonable!

None of this matters.  In the end, your tongue is burnt, and you've no idea what to do.  Wonder no more, dear readers.  I am here to solve all of your problems.  You're welcome.

What to Do When You're Out of Clothes to Wear

One day, you will wake up, and get ready for your day, and open your closet.  And you will see, in your closet, nothing but bare hangers and a bit of lint in the corner.  Maybe an old baseball glove or magazine sticking out of a cardboard box.  But nothing, absolutely nothing to wear.

You will be confused.  You will be afraid.  These are reasonable responses.  But you're going to have to overcome them and move forward.  With my help, I believe, no, I know that you will surmount this challenge.

What to Do When Confronted by a Bear

I'm sure you guys know what a bear is.  Bears are massive, hairy, vicious beasts that will as soon tear you a new one as look at you, and start to slobber just contemplating your plump, meaty body.

Huh.  Weird.  I don't remember saving that to my desktop.

Coffee at Chez R

I came to this outdoor venue to pen a cheery piece for you, my venerable readers, but instead I am forced to recount an uglier truth. What used to be a pleasant café, Chez R, has since gone to the dogs, and the fithy, rabid curs couldn’t even properly deliver me a decent cup of coffee. Typical. The kids take over the business and it goes to rot.

I arrived just past two. After waiting nearly ten minutes at the wobbly, splintered table, a churlish waiter finally arrived, wiping what appeared to be swine blood from his hands onto a greasy apron. He sneered at me and demanded my order, not even offering a menu.

Things You Can Do with Spoons

Spoons are, without a doubt, one of man's most versatile implements.  Every day, it is likely that you will come within two feet of a spoon at least once.  Why?  Because they are so ridiculously useful.  I personally carry at least three spoons of varying size and shape at all times.

This is a spoon.