What To Do When You've Burnt Your Tongue

So, you've burnt your tongue.  Maybe you ate some microwaved product too fast.  Maybe you were walking on a bed of coals and you fell, but your hands were tied, so all you could do was fling out your tongue with wild abandon in hopes of protecting the rest of your body.  Maybe you were attacked by one of the infamous Sense Death biker gang, whose modus operandi is the crippling of the senses of those who offend them.

Maybe you just didn't want the bees to sting your tongue.  Completely reasonable!

None of this matters.  In the end, your tongue is burnt, and you've no idea what to do.  Wonder no more, dear readers.  I am here to solve all of your problems.  You're welcome.


So, what to do?  There are several options available to you.

Option 1:  Suck it up.

Here's how this works.  It's short, so don't blink!  And...  uh...  don't scroll by constantly so that it's only on your screen for a short amount of time.  I guess.

Procedure for sucking it up:  Don't be a huge baby!

Look, nobody cares that you can't taste properly for a day or so.  It's kind of funny, honestly.  It means you didn't follow the directions on your Hot Pocket.  This is what you get for (metaphorically) coloring outside the lines, hippy!

Don't trust this asshole.  He wants to feed you burnt Pop-Tarts and unflavored ramen noodles.

You know what tough people do, instead?  I'll tell you with the example of the toughest people who ever lived, the Spartans.  No, no, not the toned down movie Spartans, not the Halo Spartans, the real Spartans.  The manliest bunch of men (and women) who ever graced our good Earth, both a blessing upon us and a curse, as we bathe in their glory and know that we can never attain the same.

Their physique, godly, their resolution, oh my, their resolution.  I quake just contemplating the force and precision with which they carry out their duties!  They just, I mean, come on you guys...  Oh...  Oh man...

(Note from the Editors:  At this point, Marelo, the author, left a bunch of scribbles and half-words all over the page.  Your guess is as good as ours.)

And that's just the beginning.  So, I'll tell you what a Spartan does when he burns his tongue.  A Spartan sucks it up.  And by "it" I mean lava.  A Spartan's cure for a burn is to bathe the affected area in the lifeblood of the Earth.

This is a Spartan tongue.

I think you can handle some discomfort and a loss of taste for a day or so.  If not, well, consult the rest of the guide, I guess.  Pansy.

Option 2:  Ice, and lots of it.

Now, I know what you may be thinking.  In Pokémon, using ice against fire was just a bad idea.  That was like asking your opponent to hand your ass to you on a platter, with some garnish, maybe a light lemon glaze, asparagus on the side, and a Chardonnay of a middling, not excessively expensive, vintage...  And then stick you for the bill.

But, shockingly, Pokémon is not an accurate portrayal of underground animal fights, physics, society, or things parents should let their children do.

So, what you're going to want to do is get out to your local hardware/appliance store, and purchase yourself a freezer.  It needs to be big enough that you can crawl in and shut the door behind you.  Take it home, plug it in, and wait for late evening to come along, at which point you must enter it, as I have alluded already.  Once inside, turn the knob/lever/wheel/whatever so that it's at maximum...  uh...  coolness.  Stick out your tongue, and settle in for the night.  When you wake up, your tongue will not only be unburnt, but it will also be immune to fire for three days (or so), granting you the ability to act like you're a Spartan and eat coals for breakfast.

Nothing could go wrong.

Nothing went wrong for this guy.

Option 3:  Amputate.

No, not your tongue, dumbass!  Something else, something nonessential, that won't kill you from blood loss (or blood drowning).  The point is to distract you from your tongue woes and concentrate your efforts on something more important, so that you don't look like the petulant child that you know you really are deep down inside.

Ears are good for this.*  If you do your legs, you might have a shot at being banned from running in the Olympics because you're too fast.  However, I recommend leaving this option where it lies.  Until the future, that is, when your limbs can be replaced with super strong, ultra dexterous, laser-concealing, death machine replacements.

THIS HASN'T HAPPENED YET, BUT IT WILL, TRUST ME

Option 4:  Astral projection.

The idea here is to leave your physical body, and therefore physical ailments, behind, as you go on a wonderful journey through the metacosmos.**

Basically, from what I gather, what you're going to need to accomplish this is some magic candles and a way to knock yourself out.  That's about it.

This is a technical diagram taken straight from an alternative medicine textbook.

Added advantage:  You can force someone you don't like to trade bodies with you, and so foist upon them your crippled tongue, as you sloppily enjoy the bakery's best, with no regard to health or nutrition.  It's not your body, so why should you give a shit?

You know what, no, don't just do this when you burn your tongue.  Make a habit of tying yourself down, projecting your soul into the astro...  verse...  and stealing other people's bodies to partake in binges of sin*** the likes of which even Sodom and Gomorrah never dared.  Bonus points if you leave your body in an absurdly uncomfortable situation.****

You will never be caught as long as you don't leave any mirrors around your body, and are careful about your victims.  But always go with people who have wronged you, or the Karma Police will be at your door.*****

Ungodly levels of enjoyment, as the result of a morally unassailable course of action?  I should rename this article to "What To Do Every Waking Moment of Your Life".

Until next time, my dear readers!  Don't forget to let your Hot Pockets cool off!

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* Van Gogh didn't care about that prostitute one bit, nor did he lop it off in a fit of mania.  He just accidentally downed some scalding soup, and was looking for relief.  Historical fact.  I just made you, like, ten times more knowledgeable than the average art history major.  You're welcome.

** No, not the Metamucil, dipshit.

*** Singes?  Bingins?  Atrocity feasts.  Atrofeasticities.  There we go.  Homework assignment:  Use "atrofeasticity" in daily conversation.

**** Bonus bonus points if the discomfort is tailored to your victim on a psychological level.

***** Totally how karma works, you guys.