Things You Can Do with Lint

Lint.  You all know what it is.  You probably leave it in your dryer's lint trap for several loads at once, endangering your own life and those of your family just because you're lazy.  Perfectly understandable.  Except it's not.

So here's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to give you that extra motivation you need to collect and dispose of that lint, by showing you a metric fuckton of things you can do with what amounts to the dead skin of your clothing.

First thing you can do with lint:  Condiment pranks on your friends.

Say your friend pulled a dick move and ate your ice cream.  What are you gonna do?  You're not gonna talk to him about it.  That's ridiculous.  No, you're gonna get revenge in a hilarious manner.

Next time this guy gets a hankering for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you know what he's gonna find in those jars?  A healthy serving of fiber, if you have any guts.  And then, disgusted, he will turn to some toast, perhaps, and open up the margarine (nobody can afford butter, are you crazy?), and he will be repulsed yet again by what appears to be some fuzzy blue growths.  He will gag, slightly.  This is good.

We're not done yet.  Oh no.  Not even close.  This asshole has to pay.

Like any resourceful individual of the human species, your friend will look for something that cannot possibly have been tampered with.  What is this mysterious foodstuff?  Canned food.  Yeah.  So he'll pull out some chicken noodle soup, or perhaps some ravioli.  And he'll pull out a bowl, and slop the canned goodness in, pop it in the microwave for a bit...  BEEP.

He'll remove the bowl, and start eating.  It is only after the second bite that he will realize that ravioli noodle soup is not supposed to have blue fuzzy bits.  And he will try to figure out how you got him so well with this prank, and realize that he did not think to check the bowl.

REVENGE COMPLETE

Second thing you can do with lint:  Fake being manly.

Everyone knows that manliness is best measured in hairiness.  But what if you aren't that manly?  What if you need to get into the lumberjack convention,* to rescue your faithful logdog, but they just won't let you through, citing your lack of a chiseled jaw and sculpted chest?  You could give up, true.

But you could also have some chutzpah, and sneak into that convention with some strategically placed lint.

Here's what you need:  Lint (duh); glue; zero self-respect.

Take the glue, and slather it on your face/armpits/chest.  Then layer on some lint.  Layer more glue, and then more lint, until you have yourself a robust coat.  Let it dry, and you're good to go retrieve that logdog.

What's that?  You're mad because I haven't been using those amazing pictures of mine lately?  Well, fume no more!

He fits right in.

A masterpiece, if anything can be called such.

Third thing you can do with lint:  Start fires.

If faking manliness just isn't good enough for you, you can do the one thing guaranteed to make you really manly, which is play with fire.  Lint is very good for this!  For example, many Boy Scout troops have discovered that it makes very good kindling.

But you know what?  Boy Scouts are lame.**  You're gonna want to do something much cooler, and that is make a lint bomb.  How does it work?  Basically, you set up a very large quantity of lint such that you can disperse it into the air in the form of a fine dust.  Then, ignite it, and you will have yourself one well-exploded area.  Just make sure you're far enough away that you aren't, you know, dead.  Kinda hard to watch the fireworks if you're crispy.

I used to doodle things like this on every surface in my middle school.

Have you ever watched the news and seen a report about a grain silo exploding?  This works on the exact same principle.  This is actually probably the only factual thing you will ever read on this blog.

Fourth thing you can do with lint:  Mess with orphans.

Orphanages are terrible, terrible places.  The food is watery gruel.  The water is also watery gruel.  They have to burn their nail clippings for warmth, and they have to share a single pair of kitchen scissors just to clip those nails.  Don't even get me started on the bathroom conditions.***

So, is it any surprise that all cloth inside an orphanage is so very threadbare that lint is nigh unheard of?  It's an extremely rare substance for orphans.  As such, since the only reason we like gold so much is its rarity, I must conclude that regular ol' lint (again, what amounts to the dead, shed skin of your clothing) is something precious to these pitiful creatures.

So, you could prop up an economy based around lint.  You know, lift them out of the crude bartering stage they are undoubtedly in right now ("I'll trade you my least perforated blanket for your least covered-in-shit socks."), and help them discover the joys of capitalism and industry.****

Or, since you are undoubtedly an asshole, you will probably just use it as bait for your orphan traps, and sell the abandoned waifs into various slave trades.  You did always want that pack-orphan.  What's that?  You didn't think I knew about that?  Oh, I know.  I know all your secrets.

MARELO:  PSYCHIC VAMPIRE LORD

Fifth thing you can do with lint:  Makeshift oil slick.

Say you're that Home Alone kid, and those robbers are breaking into your house while you're home alone.  What are you gonna do?  Call the cops?  Fuck no.  It's time for some slapstick.

Grab a big ol' glob of that lint from your dryer, and spread it around on a hardwood or tile floor.  You know what I'm talkin' about, right?  That shit is slipperier than a greasy pole in a melted butter storm.*****

Before you know it, those creepers will be slip'n'slidin' all over the place, bonking heads and flailing around, basically completely preoccupied, while you're getting some fireworks or a catapult or something ready to rock their worlds.

Note:  If you see a gun, do not do this.  You'll just get shot, because the guys with the guns mean business.  No guns, though?  Have some fun.  Nothing could go wrong.

Well, that's about it.  Five things you can do with lint?  I should totally be an inventor.  Whatever you choose to do with your lint, though, make sure it's from a dryer.  Keep that belly button stuff to yourself, dude.

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* Jackcon.

** I'm the only male in my family to not be an Eagle Scout.  I am incredibly lame.

*** Nonexistent.

**** So far, they've only ever seen the shit end of the capitalism stick, working in the soap mines.

***** Thank global warming for the butter storms.  Also, I was very surprised to learn that "slipperier" is, in fact, a word.  I thought I was misusing it on purpose, but no, it's correct.  Go on.  Check.