Debatiquette

The debate, an age old and honoured institution. Used by some of society's most brilliant and influential people. Politicians, too. As a boy super genius with a PhD in whoop ass, I've been in many a debate, spanning issues from the ethics of euthanasia to the merits of crunchy peanut butter.* As a public service,** allow me to share with you the most masterful debate strategies I have ever encountered.



The "What?"

Your opponent is an asshole; don't even acknowledge any form of validity in your opponent's argument. Simply respond, "What? That made absolutely no sense." If called on to justify your statement, further belittle them. What they just said is so ridiculous that you won't even dignify it with a response. They are an asshole and you are their moral superior. In fact, you should say that. This is less a specific strategy so much as an overall philosophy you should apply.

Big Words

You're smart, you know it. But the audience and your opponent do not. This is where you implement the power of big words. Find nicely big and obscure words. If your opponent can't understand you, how can he possibly respond? He can't, that's how. If they try to call you on your gibberish, just implement the power of the "What?"  This is foolproof and I advocate its use wholeheartedly.

Trulife Example: Everything philosophers have ever said when they are losing.

The Absolution

Your beliefs are an absolute. There are no grey areas. Ever. What you say is valid in any and all contexts, no matter what. If your opponent tries to apply "logic", and points out a scenario that makes you seem foolish, hold your ground. This is a two pronged defensive strategy. First, it completely undermines their argument. Second, it totally throws your opponent off guard. This is a good opportunity to break their neck and declare victory, or insult their mother.

Trulife Example:
Me: "That's ridiculous, why is The Zombie Survival Guide the official authority on all zombie mythos?"
Asshole: "Because it was the last book to claim to be the official authority."
Me: "So, if I write a book, and claim to be the official authority on the topic, I am the official authority?"
Asshole: "Yes."
Me: "I... Okay."

I AM LOUDER

Everyone knows the topic and content of the debate don't actually matter. Debates are purely based around emotion, and whoever rakes in the most Emopoints™ wins. Therefore, the greatest way to denote passion is noise. If you are louder than your opponent, you clearly care more and must be correct. This is science in its purest form.

Trulife Example: All of politics.

Nazis

As previously mentioned, your opponent is an asshole. You need to make sure the audience knows this. Every time your opponent makes a so-called "valid argument", stop, and think, "What did the Nazis do?" If you see even a vague similarity to the Nazis, call them out on it. Congratulations, your opponent is now a heartless monster. Feel free to call them that too. I mean, who's going to defend a Nazi?

Trulife Example: 
Asshole: "The natives just want the land that was unjustly taken from them!"
Me: "You know who else was just reclaiming their land? The Nazis."
Asshole: "[I realize now that I am an asshole and you are my moral superior.]"

You Are a Jew

This is the most powerful and elegant strategy ever conceived by man. It is the A-Bomb of the debate world; you only have to use it once. It is so elegant I can't even describe it.  I can only show you.

Trulife Example:
Dad: (Something pro-Israel)  
Genius: "Your argument is meaningless because you are a Jew, and therefore biased."
Dad: "I'm not Jewish, not in any way."
Genius: "You are, you just don't know it."


Magnificent. Immediate victory. Not only did he manage to detect my father's inner Jew,*** he managed to imply that all Jews inherently support Israel, without question. If only I could be this wonderful man. Perhaps one day, if I try.

I know this is a lot to take in, but you are now a Master of Debature™. You should probably go lie down and reflect on your newfound abilities. You might end up destroying someone's mind, otherwise.


*Seriously it's like someone rolled my peanut butter in gravel.
**I regret nothing.
***I'm not even sure what that means, but he sure as hell found it.